Sutta Monger

In da house

My friend Vikram smokes costly cigarettes. A single cigarette can cost thousands, he’s such a connoisseur.

The costliest he smoked was in a train. Those were the days when smoking wasn’t banned in trains. So he stood at the door, with earphones in his ear that were singing retro songs to him courtesy the walkman that was strapped to the belt above the left pocket. He thought it would be a great idea to inhale the fresh air of the endless plains and exhale his beloved ‘smoke’. So he put his hand in his pocket, took out a cigarette, lit it, puffed in. After a while he realized that the song had stopped playing. He reached for his walkman. As he was taking out his cigarette, the instrument decided to go for a walk in the UP plains, courtesy the pull of his hand. His was shaken but not stirred, and finished his sutta. It was a borrowed walkman, and the cigarette cost him Rs 2503.

Another costly smokey affair was again to do with a train. After long days of wandering during the vacation, Vikram had fifty bucks left in his pocket, just the right amount to take a general ticket back home from his last wandering spot. He had gone there to meet a friend who had a dialogue from Sholay for every situation in life. Vikram didn’t know there had been a train fire a few days back, and that inhaling the plains and puffing out tobacco was no longer possible. So, waiting for the train, he lit up a cigarette. Four cops pounced upon him together to collect their booty. Booty he had none, and so he refused to stop smoking, and offered to go to the jail. Friend’s friend had to come. He said, “Ab tera kya hoga kaalia,” but after joking a bit, paid for him. That sutta cost him Rs 203.

Another time, my friend acquired a new pair of frameless glasses. He used to go back to his flat at ten every night after dropping his girlfriend to her paying guest accommodation. Good boy didn’t smoke in front of her, but ran every day after dropping her, to a sutta shop that used to close five minutes after her place. That day either her PG shut later, or the shop shut earlier, but he saw the shutter coming down, and ran like Ben Johnson. Off went the specs, but he got his smoke. That cigarette cost him Rs 1003.